That’s the word that came out of my best friend’s mouth.

 

“You are not the same person that was once very bright, enthusiastic, and passionate. You aren’t the person I know; you’ve changed.”

 

That struck my core, and I wondered. Did I change that much?

 I know I am a little burnt out. I know I’ve lost my energy. I know I…

 

I — changed.

 

That night, I was wide awake in bed, visualizing what the future would be like. A version of me, full of disappointment and regret.

 

It’s okay to be sad because of bad results, heartbreak, medical school rejection, and family circumstances. But it’s not okay to stay that way. Right there, I switched on my lights. I listed the redundant things that should be removed, routines that should be replaced, and reliances that I should recover. And the first decision I made was to change my field of studies. Rejecting the scholarships due to violations.

 

One year of lectures, labs, and reports wasn’t enjoyable; it wasn’t the life I wanted; and it wasn’t the future I was pursuing. Biology and chemistry were fun when I was still a high school student, and they should stay that way.

 

I sold the study materials I was using and bought a laptop for my engineering program. One year has passed since then. Was it worth it? Well, I had no idea and I will never know the answer. But…

 

Am I happy?

Yes.

 

Am I trying?

Yes.

 

Will my younger self admire me?

I hope he does.

 

I am doing my best in life.

I am making small changes in my life.

I am looking for a better version of myself in life.

And that’s more than enough because I am trying to change.

 

During my new course of studies.

 

I wrote my first line of code, not the cliché “Hello World,” but a simple 1+1 during my C++ programming class. 

Writing down calculus formulas for the first time in 2 years, they look so unfamiliar, although they were once my companions. 

Writing some poems, sagas, and short stories. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it a lot. Learning new languages as a polyglot

 

Entering my first hackathon with my seniors was one of the best things that happened after I changed courses. This led to me joining JomHack to help in coordinating hackathons, which was a new experience for me.

 

I entered some events. I won some, lost some. Meeting new people. Creating new bonds joining undergraduate research programs, involved in research with professors, seniors, and postgraduates as the youngest in the room. I updated my social media for the first time since 2019. Buying my first investment

 

I am unsure if I transformed or just found “The” me that I once was, but I am improving myself and hope the future me will be proud of me and my younger self would admire me looking at me. Anyway, I shall continue my journey.

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