There was a time when I was vulnerable. A time when there was a constant war in my head and my whole being. Since my younger years, I always tried to be the best, in every competition I participate, with every people I met, no room for mistakes. But in high school, I started to feel the failures, the flaws of myself. I was no longer the best, I was no longer the most intelligent kid, there are people better than me. But I tried, I kept entering the competitions and practiced more than I could, I placed my high hopes in winning, but most of the time I did not. Then, in my foundation years, I tried to stay low. I was done with the competitions, I guess you can say I was done with failing. I limit myself to not try, then I won’t fail.
It was during my degree years, that I realized I could not keep still. I have to be involved, a year of staying put, it is just not me. Maybe not as much in the competitions that I did previously, but more on doing something for other people. I was in the faculty’s committee, my course committee, the college singing committee, then I ran for Student Representative Council and won. I was everywhere that I can. I made all the connections that I can in my alma mater, the staffs and seniors. But it was draining, the responsibilities and my studies were always unbalanced. Then, it happened. The pressure was too unbearable, that I started losing the one thing people said I was proud with, my confidence. Whenever failure comes, or people start to look at me the wrong way, I will be second guessing myself. When mistakes happened, I blamed myself. It was another battle.
I guess, when the pandemic struck, it was a blessing in disguise for me. I got to distance myself from other people that is looking for ways to add my workload. However, it was not for long, I needed to find a future for the after. Simultaneously, an opportunity for master’s degree opened up, and I took it. It was continuous, there was no buffer time after my bachelors’ degree to my masters’. I realized that this was a mistake. With the pressure of research and the new norms. I was disorganized and hectic that I started to shut down. After a while, I know, I could not go through it all alone, I decided to look for help. That was the best decision I did by far.
I rely on my family, friends and my peers, the knights of my battle. They made me realized my worth, they kept me sane in the pressures I was put into, and they have saved me in a lot of ways I could not bear to say. You see, in life, it does not matter how strong people perceived you as, you cannot go through life alone.
All the best Siti!
I am so proud of how far you have come, Syamim.
All the bez
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